Sunday, May 8, 2011

He's still speaking...

So Thursday night was sort of profound for me...it had been a rough day at work and so my whole demeanor was kind of a downer...but last night, I knew that I needed to go to the C4 Charlotte Mid-Week Worship/Bible Study. Worship was great and Jordan Connell did a wonderful job leading it...I have to say, I was distracted...which sucks because worship is my favorite. But for whatever reason (hint* God) I had this urge to write in my journal...I haven't written in my personal journal in probably 6 months...so it struck me as odd but by the end of the night...I knew why...this is what I started writing:
"I'm feeling so inadequate right now. I look around me and I see people who seem to have it all together...the way they dress, the sound of their voices, how amazed they are with God - I dunno, I'm just feeling like my life is lacking right now...but for all I am, I can't help feeling this way. Maybe it's just because I had a crappy day at work, I don't know...but it's hindering my worship tonight. I feel like I'm a mess next to these people...but it's silly to compare because I know it's not always how it appears. I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed again with the thought of graduation and growing up ever present in my mind right now. Honestly, I feel like lately I've kind of kept God close but had him on the shelf - like He has been within my sight, but not near enough for me to be wowed by him every chance I get - by every breath I breathe. I'm feeling very much stripped and lonely - because even in this, I'm still pushing Him away and for whatever reason not allowing Him close enough to pick me up and comfort me..."
At that point - Jordan started to sing "How He loves" which goes like this:
"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realise just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us,Whoa! how He loves. 
We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…
He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Oh how He loves. Yeah, He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves us, Whoa! how He loves."
At which point I began to cry...like...a lot...and then...Jordan transitioned to one of my favorite hymns:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace
And by that point...I was gone...just completely lost in his presence...I could feel him speaking to me at that point...Tyson got up and said that he had felt like God was saying "Believe me again." Meaning that...sometimes, we know in our heads that God can do it all...but in our business, sometimes we forget to believe that. We'll only experience God's supernatural miracles, we'll only see revival if we are crazy enough to believe that he can and will do it. We have to know, trust, believe, and expect that God will do great things. Tyson said that we have to remember that our God always sees the end from the beginning...and every work he begins, he begins with the end in mind.
Close to the end of the evening...Tyson just stopped...he said that he felt like he needed to tell this story...I was only able to write down part of it but I'll try my best to do it justice:
Tyson and his friend had been on a trip and they were on their way back...Tyson was going to drop his buddy off at his car because they had carpooled. It was late at night and it was raining like crazy, right as they got in view of the friends' car, this elderly man blocked their way. Tyson stopped and the old man came around to the drivers side window. Tyson rolled down his window and the old man began to talk to Tyson's friend who was also a friend of his. As this continued, Tyson began to get impatient thinking, "It's raining, it's late, I have places to be..." and the man turned to him and told him a story:
There was this mansion on top of a hill, and a gate at the bottom. They were connected by a long and winding path. Everyday, a man and his daughter would come walking down the path and amongst the trees and bushes..they would always stay close. One day, however, the daughter wandered a little too far, the father called her back...but she didn't come...so he hid amongst the trees and waited. When she turned around, she became frantic because she couldn't see him or feel his presence. She darted from tree to tree until she found him."
Tyson waited..."and..."
The old man said, "Tyson, you are the daughter...there was a time when you walked with God real close - and one day, you walked a little too far and when you turned around, you didn't see Him or feel Him...but He was always right there - He was just waiting for you to come back and look for Him."
I lost it...I just sobbed...God really spoke to me that night, I couldn't believe it...(I mean I know he still speaks to me and everything, I just don't think it had ever been that obvious) I was just amazed...God is still speaking, and it's amazing to feel his closeness...are you listening? He knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was struggling with...and he spoke directly to me...exactly what I needed to hear...God is so good...and it's so cool to see him use guys like Tyson and Jordan and an old man in the rain...you never know when or how God is going to use you...but be ready...because he wants to use you...and he will.

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